Twisted Funny Valentine Poems

A selection of short valentines poems which are essentially funny, but which have a darker side or a twist in the tail. Sinister, vengeful, dirty and sex obsessed are just a few of the epithets that could be applied to the poems; romantic they are most certainly not.

Stuck on You

You were so distant
Now we're as one
Thanks to some duct tape
And a glue gun

Pained as I am to have to explain anything about my poems, those who have not recently appeared on sexual assault charges may need reminding that GHB, aka Gamma-hydroxybutyrate or Rohypnol, was the once notorious date rape drug.

GHB Mine

A Valentine
Says please be mine
But Rohypnol
Is more forceful

With a distinct change in tone, we move onto one of Paul's poems for the girls on the delicate subject of choosing a lover. Don't bite off more than you can chew!

Picking from The Menu

Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver

So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp

Next, a pair of Paul's poems to rebuff which, whilst not specifically written for Valentines Day, would certainly come in useful to repel unwelcome valentines advances.

Put Down # 1

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just gaze into their eyes
And say to your pursuer
“Why don’t you slip into something
More comfortable… like a coma”

Put Down # 2

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bullshit around your lips"

And to follow, two short love-hate poems by Paul which make interesting companion pieces and continue the theme of unfortunate romantic liaisons.

Love Of The Sea

Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick

Roses Were Red

Roses were red, violets were blue
No one in the bar was prettier than you
I brought you home I was over the moon
In the morning I sing a different tune
My eyes are red, my complexion green
The sight of you makes me want to scream

The final valentines poem is a rather strong rebuke which can be employed if a former lover uses Valentine's Day as an unwelcome excuse to try to rekindle the best forgotten love affair.

Life is for...

Life if for living
Love is for giving
You gave me herpes
Is love forgiving?
Is it f#ck

Please feel free to substitute herpes with syphilis, chlamydia or another type of STD, if it is more appropriate. And who says the romance of Valentine's Day is dead?

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Valentine Love Poems

A selection of romantic valentine poems, which includes sad, sentimental and sensuous verse.